The Crazy Didn't Start with Him

How Childhood Conditioning Makes Survivors Vulnerable to Adult Abuse—And How to Break the Cycle

“Why do I keep ending up with people who hurt me?” If you’ve ever asked yourself that question, you’re not broken, naïve, or just unlucky—you were conditioned. For many women, the story of abuse doesn’t begin with a controlling partner or a toxic relationship. It begins much earlier, in homes where love and safety were inconsistent, where emotional neglect or manipulation was normalized, and where silence was often confused with peace.

Most survivors don’t grow up believing they were abused. They may even describe their childhood as “normal.” After all, there was food on the table and clothes in the closet. There may not have been yelling or hitting. But dysfunction doesn’t require visible bruises. It often hides in the space between what should have been said and what was, in the needs left unmet, in the roles we were forced to play. In those formative years, we learned how to survive—but we didn’t always learn how to live. We adapted to chaos. We walked on eggshells. We overfunctioned. We tried harder and harder to earn love, to please, to keep the peace.

These survival patterns become the blueprint we carry into adulthood. The nervous system that was wired for vigilance in childhood is the same one that interprets emotional volatility as “familiar” in our adult relationships. If we were taught that love is something we must work hard to deserve—by being quiet, compliant, or perfect—then we are far more likely to tolerate abuse disguised as affection. Insecure attachment in childhood lays the groundwork for trauma bonds in adulthood. The cycle of idealization, devaluation, and reconciliation mimics the very highs and lows our young hearts mistook for love.

Abusers sense this. They test boundaries early. They notice when we apologize for things that aren’t our fault, when we shrink back instead of standing up, when we rationalize their red flags because they remind us of something we can’t quite name. They exploit our shame, our silence, our longing to be chosen and not abandoned. It is not your fault that you were targeted. But understanding the pattern gives you the power to break it.

The pathway from childhood dysfunction to adult abuse follows a clear psychological trail: chronic hyper-vigilance, identity distortion, insecure attachment, boundary confusion, and a deep-rooted shame that whispers, “Maybe I’m the problem.” If you relate to this, please hear this: you are not overreacting. You are not too sensitive. You are waking up. And healing begins with that awakening.

Breaking the cycle isn’t about blaming your parents or reliving the past in bitterness. It’s about looking honestly at how your family system shaped your perception of love, self-worth, and safety—and choosing to do the work of healing so the past no longer shapes your future. This healing is both spiritual and psychological. It involves naming the truth, regulating your nervous system, re-parenting yourself through safe relationships, and learning to set boundaries without guilt. It means grieving what should have been, forgiving what no longer needs to define you, and building community where safety is the norm—not the exception.

For many of us, faith is part of the wound—but it’s also part of the healing. When Scripture is weaponized to demand silence or submission in the face of abuse, it distorts the heart of God. But when Scripture is reclaimed through a trauma-informed lens, we see the truth: Jesus did not stay silent around oppression. He set boundaries. He walked away from hostile crowds. He flipped tables. He protected the vulnerable. Healthy love—real love—drives out fear. If fear is growing, something unholy is at work.

As you heal, begin to ask yourself: “What does love feel like to me?” If your answer includes anxiety, shame, exhaustion, or fear, it may be time to rewrite that script. Notice where your body tenses when you imagine saying “no.” Explore the roles you played in your family—were you the peacemaker, the performer, the scapegoat? These aren’t just memories; they’re maps. And the more clearly you see them, the more power you have to choose a different direction.

You didn’t choose the dysfunction you grew up with. You didn’t choose to be targeted by someone who manipulated your survival instincts. But today, you can choose healing. You can learn new ways of relating, new ways of being. You can raise your children without the confusion you carried for years. And you can become the kind of woman who knows her worth, trusts her voice, and refuses to shrink.

This healing is not quick, and it’s not easy—but it’s possible. And you don’t have to walk it alone. Silenced, Not Brokenwas created for women just like you—women waking up to the truth of their story and reclaiming their lives from the ashes. On our site, you’ll find articles, healing prompts, boundary-setting tools, and trauma-informed resources to walk with you every step of the way.

The crazy didn’t start with him. It started long before, in moments you may not have had words for. But now you do. And now you know. And that changes everything.

Ready to begin your healing journey?

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You are not broken. You are becoming whole.